In breaking news today, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Everyman from Middle America entered a deep and uncharted wilderness today as their household debt has nearly doubled the size of their economy. Economists reported that they had long feared this shocking turn of events, as the lingering effects of Mr. Everyman’s decision to be laid off from his job in 2008 have persisted. The economic shock caused this year by the Everyman’s decision to have a child, despite their apparently self-inflicted poverty, has also proved insurmountable.
Fox News commentators have so far been unable to agree whether reaching this previously unheard of threshold will inevitably lead to bankruptcy for the couple, but they are unified in their assessment that the Everyman’s were reckless and fueled by a sense of entitlement when they chose to buy a home back in 2005. “Investment and property ownership are the province of the job-creators”, writes Bill Kristol, “working class salt of the Earth types like the Everymans should appreciate that their standard of living is higher than Equatorial Africa, and be grateful for the blessings of liberty.”
But how did this couple, childhood sweethearts married in 2004, manage to steer so quickly off the road of prosperity? He is a highly compensated tradesman, working as a plumber for the king’s ransom of $18 per hour. She is safely ensconced as a grade-school teacher, suckling the tit of democracy and the taxpayers to the tune of a cool $32,000 per year. So how does your debt double the size of your economy? The Everyman’s followed the failed plan of America during her years of greatness in the 20th Century.
They worked hard and put 20% down on their very modest $100,000 home, and prepared to start a family. The first Everyman child arrived in 2006, and the young couple was able (between their health insurance and an emergency fund) to cover the entire $7,000 cost of the child’s birth without borrowing. With the new baby, the couple decided to buy a made in America mini-van, slightly used, and took on a $10,000 car loan in addition to their mortgage. Mrs. Everyman still had about $15,000 in student loans, but the service on those notes was relatively low, and they felt their finances were well in hand. “That was their undoing,” said Fox Host Sean Hannity, “his work truck was still going strong and her car had room for a child seat in back. It was bad enough they decided they were too good for the apartment, then they had to go and buy a nearly new vehicle?”
Those decisions, sadly, were not the worst decisions this tragically American couple would make on their road to financial near-destruction. John had been working for a large plumbing contractor that offered good insurance and a strong wage, but in 2008, he inexplicably chose to be laid off. When reached for comment, Mitt Romney remembered, “Back when I was a younger man, I was afraid of the pink slip, but when my boss came to lay me off, I just said no thank you, and went back to work. Later at the club, when my boss and my Dad were talking business, Dad cleared the matter up, and I was able to return to a more normal existence. John Everyman had his chance, he had his choice, and he chose to be laid off. Job-creators have bills to pay and families to feed, and they don’t have the responsibility to subsidize workers who don’t care enough to call their fathers when times are tough.”
John sponged off his betters for almost 6 months of unemployment insurance, before finally deciding to go back to full-time labor. By that time, the Everyman household had been forced into making minimum payments on the very charge accounts that they were using to supplement their grocery and gas bills. The family had just started to get ahead of its bills when they made the selfish decision to have another child. “These people” Ann Coulter recently intoned, “are so stupid! Remind me, why do we let the workers breed?”
The worst part about their terrible family planning was the cost. He no longer had insurance, and hers covered 80% of the $7,500 delivery. With their savings eroded, they put the balance on that favorite crutch of the lazy, the credit card. More is the pity. Then, they go and decide that John needs a new work truck. His old one had just 150,000 miles on it, but then, their decisions never have had the scent of reason attached. Economists the world over note the ominous liberal watchword, infrastructure, and are astounded and troubled. The couple argued to the media that replacing the truck ensures that John will continue to be able to get to and from work, but that is only valid so long as he does not chose to be laid off again.
The bad decisions, we hope, are in the past. The financial conundrum is, however, a tragic matter for today. While the couple’s income has slowly crept back up to its pre-stupidity levels ($68,000 last year), the debt level is crushing. Just look at the residue of irresponsibility:
Home mortgage principal and interest owed $74,000
Credit Card balances $12,500
Student Loan balance $12,500
Truck Loan balance $20,000
The cost of servicing the Everyman’s debt is nearly half of the couple’s monthly economy, and the trend is not being helped by the talk coming from that family’s kitchen table. “For the life of me, I can’t understand what those kids are thinking about at a time like this!” screamed Speaker John Boehner, “This is a time for prudence and fiscal discipline, and this couple is talking about setting aside funds for education and musing about a new refrigerator?” While it is true that the Everyman’s still cling to the post-World War II notion that a college education is important, those most knowledgeable on the economy insist that private wealth holders are the best situated to make those choices. This is a couple with only one firearm (a dated hunting rifle) and no home security system worth mentioning. They are now drowning in debt, and can only propose more household spending as a solution.
It isn’t clear what this couple is hoping will happen, but what is clear (according to the experts, job creators, and unbiased media) is that this family should tighten their belts. Selling that house would be a good start; taking the money they are setting aside for a college education their two kids will never need and putting it in the stock market (where it can do its job and create more jobs) is a good follow-up. The Everyman’s appear to be deluded, insisting that the amount remaining after debt service is more than sufficient to meet their monthly variables and save for their children’s college. When reached for specific comment, the Everyman’s could only provide liberally-biased answers, and as this publication is fair and balanced, we are choosing not to print that filth.
Tune in tomorrow when we profile gay Mexicans, and the gun-control Nazis who love them…
The Rational Middle is listening…